https://youtu.be/UgRk-si3KTg
Pass and Go May 14, 2016.
PLAYWRIGHTS:
Michael Weems
Allison Scott
Cassandra Austen
Denise O'Neal
B. N. Reichenberger
Conor Farrell
Ben Plopper
ACTORS:
John Carraro
Andraes Hunt
Nikki Wuertz
Cindy Lou Parker
Lauren Hainley
Lex Laas
Scott Holmes
Sudeane Holmes
Troy Rice
Sorry!!! :( I didn't realize my camera records only 30 minutes at a time, so I missed a few minutes in the first pages of the show. :(
Here's the transcript for the missing pages. I'm so mad at myself, these were pivotal and hilarious bits of the script!
JEFF
Please. Fate is just a concept made up by desperate women who want to tie down the first man they can find. Anything can change your course at any time. For example, say you’re about to walk outside and cross the street. As fate would have it, a Hummer runs the red light and creams you. But instead, this happens.
JEFF reaches down and unties CRAIG’s shoe.
CRAIG
What are you doing?
JEFF
Your shoe is untied.
CRAIG
Yeah, I know. I just saw you do it.
JEFF
And because you now have to stop and tie your shoe, the Hummer that runs the light goes by before you get outside, thus changing your fate.
CRAIG
So, because you untied my shoe, I don’t die.
JEFF
Exactly.
CRAIG
Okay, so whose shoe being untied resulted in my ex-wife humping five other guys?
JEFF
It’s not a one size fits all example. Your mileage may vary. The point is, your fate is what you make of it. My fate is to get Cara to let me sex her up again.
CRAIG
So why am I holding the ring?
JEFF
She’s so suspicious, she’s going to be expecting me to have a ring. She won’t be expecting you to have it.
CRAIG
Right. Cara’s at the table now, so maybe you should go keep her company. Meanwhile, I have to tie my shoe, so I’ll catch up.
JEFF
See you in the funny papers.
JEFF heads to the table. CRAIG gets down on one knee to try and tie his shoe. He realizes that he has the ring in his hand.
CRAIG
Oh, geez...
BROOKE enters.
BROOKE Man, that asshole left me behind. What kinda lowlife leaves a pregnant woman behind? I almost got hit by a Hummer out there!
CRAIG
Here, hold this.
CRAIG hands the ring box over to BROOKE and begins to tie his shoe. BROOKE opens the box and inspects the ring, then looks down at CRAIG on one knee.
BROOKE Alright, sure.
BROOKE puts the ring on her left ring finger. The HOSTESS comes back in and sees all this happening.
HOSTESS Well, that was fast.
CRAIG
Huh?
CRAIG gets up and sees BROOKE wearing the ring.
CRAIG
Oh no...no, no, no...
BROOKE Least I don’t gotta worry bout feeding this baby no more.
BROOKE goes to the table.
CRAIG
Oh, this is bad. Jeff’s going to kill me.
HOSTESS Congratulations to you and your new fiancee. Shall I get you some champagne?
CRAIG
She’s not my fiancee! She’s my prostitute cousin!
HOSTESS This has taken a weird turn.
CRAIG
It’s a long story. Basically, she’s a prostitute that my friend hired to be my date, but then he realized it was a bad idea, so now we’re pretending she’s my cousin, and now I’m apparently engaged to a goddamn hooker!
HOSTESS Hey, be nice to her! Prostitutes are people too! And don’t use the word hooker. It’s degrading. Just because you can’t let go of your puritanical worldview doesn’t mean you can shit all over her.
CRAIG
Sorry. You’re right. I guess I just never thought about it like that. But that doesn’t mean I want to marry her or anything!
HOSTESS I can’t help you on that one, dear.
CRAIG
This night couldn’t get any worse...
DONNIE enters.
DONNIE Hey, you.
CRAIG
Me?
DONNIE Yeah, you. I been watching you. You trying to steal one of my girls?
CRAIG
Excuse me?
DONNIE You better watch your fucking ass, cause if you trying to take what’s Donnie’s, then Donnie’s gonna give you what you got coming.
CRAIG
I’m sorry, I’m lost. Who’s Donnie?
DONNIE Me. I’m Donnie.
CRAIG
Okay. And what exactly is it that you’re giving me?
DONNIE A knife. In yo dick.
CRAIG
Oh.
DONNIE Don’t be trying to fuck over Donnie. Cause Donnie will fuck you up.
CRAIG
I will keep that in mind, Donnie.
DONNIE Yeah, you better. Cause I’ll be keeping an eye on you.
DONNIE backs away, keeping an eye on CRAIG as he exits.
CRAIG
That was weird. Where have I heard the name Donnie recently?
HOSTESS Hey, space cadet. Are you planning to join your group at all?
CRAIG
It might be less painful if I just died on the floor right now.
HOSTESS Go sit with your friends. I’ll buy you a drink. What do you want?
CRAIG
Just give me the strongest thing you have.
HOSTESS Straight Everclear. Got it.
HOSTESS exits. CRAIG joins the others at the table.
JEFF
About time. You get lost or something?
CRAIG
I just had an interesting chat with some random guy named Donnie. And now I just want to drown my sorrows in a medium rare steak as big as my face.
JEFF
Wait, Donnie?
CRAIG
Yeah, it sounded familiar to me too. I don’t know why. (yelling) Hey, where’s that drink?
HOSTESS Geez, be patient. You’re a bit demanding for someone who’s getting ten dollars worth of liquor for free.
The HOSTESS hands CRAIG a glass full of "Everclear." He immediately chugs the whole thing.
CRAIG
Another, please.
HOSTESS Okay, but you’re paying for this one.
CRAIG
Just put it on Jeff’s tab.
JEFF
Hey!
HOSTESS exits.
CARA
Is there something wrong, Craig?
CRAIG
Only my entire life up to this point.
CARA
So, Brooke, what is it that you do for a living?
JEFF
Uh, computers!
CARA
What?
JEFF
She works with computers, isn’t that right, Brooke?
BROOKE Yeah, I know how to use a computer. I use that Microsoft Office, yo. Spreadsheets for days!
CARA
Oh, yeah, spreadsheets! I use those at work to file employees’ personal info. The busy world of HR, am I right?
BROOKE Yeah, I remember H. R. Pufnstuf. I watched that show as a kid.
Also, so so sorry for the obnoxious laugher in the background. Damn.
Pass and Go May 14, 2016.
PLAYWRIGHTS:
Michael Weems
Allison Scott
Cassandra Austen
Denise O'Neal
B. N. Reichenberger
Conor Farrell
Ben Plopper
ACTORS:
John Carraro
Andraes Hunt
Nikki Wuertz
Cindy Lou Parker
Lauren Hainley
Lex Laas
Scott Holmes
Sudeane Holmes
Troy Rice
Sorry!!! :( I didn't realize my camera records only 30 minutes at a time, so I missed a few minutes in the first pages of the show. :(
Here's the transcript for the missing pages. I'm so mad at myself, these were pivotal and hilarious bits of the script!
JEFF
Please. Fate is just a concept made up by desperate women who want to tie down the first man they can find. Anything can change your course at any time. For example, say you’re about to walk outside and cross the street. As fate would have it, a Hummer runs the red light and creams you. But instead, this happens.
JEFF reaches down and unties CRAIG’s shoe.
CRAIG
What are you doing?
JEFF
Your shoe is untied.
CRAIG
Yeah, I know. I just saw you do it.
JEFF
And because you now have to stop and tie your shoe, the Hummer that runs the light goes by before you get outside, thus changing your fate.
CRAIG
So, because you untied my shoe, I don’t die.
JEFF
Exactly.
CRAIG
Okay, so whose shoe being untied resulted in my ex-wife humping five other guys?
JEFF
It’s not a one size fits all example. Your mileage may vary. The point is, your fate is what you make of it. My fate is to get Cara to let me sex her up again.
CRAIG
So why am I holding the ring?
JEFF
She’s so suspicious, she’s going to be expecting me to have a ring. She won’t be expecting you to have it.
CRAIG
Right. Cara’s at the table now, so maybe you should go keep her company. Meanwhile, I have to tie my shoe, so I’ll catch up.
JEFF
See you in the funny papers.
JEFF heads to the table. CRAIG gets down on one knee to try and tie his shoe. He realizes that he has the ring in his hand.
CRAIG
Oh, geez...
BROOKE enters.
BROOKE Man, that asshole left me behind. What kinda lowlife leaves a pregnant woman behind? I almost got hit by a Hummer out there!
CRAIG
Here, hold this.
CRAIG hands the ring box over to BROOKE and begins to tie his shoe. BROOKE opens the box and inspects the ring, then looks down at CRAIG on one knee.
BROOKE Alright, sure.
BROOKE puts the ring on her left ring finger. The HOSTESS comes back in and sees all this happening.
HOSTESS Well, that was fast.
CRAIG
Huh?
CRAIG gets up and sees BROOKE wearing the ring.
CRAIG
Oh no...no, no, no...
BROOKE Least I don’t gotta worry bout feeding this baby no more.
BROOKE goes to the table.
CRAIG
Oh, this is bad. Jeff’s going to kill me.
HOSTESS Congratulations to you and your new fiancee. Shall I get you some champagne?
CRAIG
She’s not my fiancee! She’s my prostitute cousin!
HOSTESS This has taken a weird turn.
CRAIG
It’s a long story. Basically, she’s a prostitute that my friend hired to be my date, but then he realized it was a bad idea, so now we’re pretending she’s my cousin, and now I’m apparently engaged to a goddamn hooker!
HOSTESS Hey, be nice to her! Prostitutes are people too! And don’t use the word hooker. It’s degrading. Just because you can’t let go of your puritanical worldview doesn’t mean you can shit all over her.
CRAIG
Sorry. You’re right. I guess I just never thought about it like that. But that doesn’t mean I want to marry her or anything!
HOSTESS I can’t help you on that one, dear.
CRAIG
This night couldn’t get any worse...
DONNIE enters.
DONNIE Hey, you.
CRAIG
Me?
DONNIE Yeah, you. I been watching you. You trying to steal one of my girls?
CRAIG
Excuse me?
DONNIE You better watch your fucking ass, cause if you trying to take what’s Donnie’s, then Donnie’s gonna give you what you got coming.
CRAIG
I’m sorry, I’m lost. Who’s Donnie?
DONNIE Me. I’m Donnie.
CRAIG
Okay. And what exactly is it that you’re giving me?
DONNIE A knife. In yo dick.
CRAIG
Oh.
DONNIE Don’t be trying to fuck over Donnie. Cause Donnie will fuck you up.
CRAIG
I will keep that in mind, Donnie.
DONNIE Yeah, you better. Cause I’ll be keeping an eye on you.
DONNIE backs away, keeping an eye on CRAIG as he exits.
CRAIG
That was weird. Where have I heard the name Donnie recently?
HOSTESS Hey, space cadet. Are you planning to join your group at all?
CRAIG
It might be less painful if I just died on the floor right now.
HOSTESS Go sit with your friends. I’ll buy you a drink. What do you want?
CRAIG
Just give me the strongest thing you have.
HOSTESS Straight Everclear. Got it.
HOSTESS exits. CRAIG joins the others at the table.
JEFF
About time. You get lost or something?
CRAIG
I just had an interesting chat with some random guy named Donnie. And now I just want to drown my sorrows in a medium rare steak as big as my face.
JEFF
Wait, Donnie?
CRAIG
Yeah, it sounded familiar to me too. I don’t know why. (yelling) Hey, where’s that drink?
HOSTESS Geez, be patient. You’re a bit demanding for someone who’s getting ten dollars worth of liquor for free.
The HOSTESS hands CRAIG a glass full of "Everclear." He immediately chugs the whole thing.
CRAIG
Another, please.
HOSTESS Okay, but you’re paying for this one.
CRAIG
Just put it on Jeff’s tab.
JEFF
Hey!
HOSTESS exits.
CARA
Is there something wrong, Craig?
CRAIG
Only my entire life up to this point.
CARA
So, Brooke, what is it that you do for a living?
JEFF
Uh, computers!
CARA
What?
JEFF
She works with computers, isn’t that right, Brooke?
BROOKE Yeah, I know how to use a computer. I use that Microsoft Office, yo. Spreadsheets for days!
CARA
Oh, yeah, spreadsheets! I use those at work to file employees’ personal info. The busy world of HR, am I right?
BROOKE Yeah, I remember H. R. Pufnstuf. I watched that show as a kid.
Also, so so sorry for the obnoxious laugher in the background. Damn.